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TGC Prologue

5 posters

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1TGC Prologue Empty TGC Prologue 3rd August 2011, 10:38 pm

Skarloth

Skarloth

MNI Board Member
MNI Board Member

Spoiler:

Um, here. If we need to take this elsewhere to proofread it and change it, then let's do that, but this will still be the TGC chapters topic.

-Skar



Last edited by Riglax on 16th December 2011, 12:29 pm; edited 4 times in total

2TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 4th August 2011, 6:21 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

As much as I see how the chapter goes at first, Varonis simply isn't the guy who says "I live a simple life". It just isn't him.

Check this out:
Spoiler:

On to the review; I like the word selection, and I enjoyed the bits were Osavus tries to calm Invidior. Nonetheless, the whole point of view from Varonis doesn't quite fit what we want him to be. Varonis would probably hide to only overhear, and he'd be doing some more higher up job.

Meanwhile, the grammar get's a bit distracting. When writing, try to make small sentences. You don't need to drag on the writing, but rather organize the words into small, well written sentences. The feel you have when writing the story, get's transmitted into the reader. Try reducing the commas too.

For example:

"Two beings walked into the chamber, tall, strong, two Great Beings, one was named Invidior, rather thin, and smaller than the other, whose name was Osavus."

Or:

"Suddenly, a large cricking sound of a door was heard. Two beings walked in, one tall, strong and thin, and another, not so big and young as the first one. Varonis recognized them as the two Great Beings, Invidior and Osavus."

Finally, I would prefer if we made a separate topic for each chapter. It's better if we review them first on their own topic, and later on post them in the chapter topic. I'll make one once we get some writing approved.


3TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 4th August 2011, 8:20 pm

Skarloth

Skarloth

MNI Board Member
MNI Board Member

Eh...

I knew I was going against Varonis' bio. >_< I know exactly what you're talking about, I wrote him out of character, which I shouldn't have.

So... do I take this thing into Word and make Varonis a more sinister character, and dial the descriptiveness down a notch?

-Skar

4TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 5th August 2011, 11:26 am

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

lol, yeah, pretty much.

5TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 5th August 2011, 9:42 pm

Skarloth

Skarloth

MNI Board Member
MNI Board Member

Spoiler:

There, I made him a tad bit more evil, I didn't change the beef/middle of the chapter much, but I didn't think that needed much changing.

-Skar

6TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 5th August 2011, 10:09 pm

Celu

Celu

MNI Board Chairman

MNI Board Chairman

Guys, this is for posting chapters not discussing them.

Don't post them until they are edited and finalized. Wink

7TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 5th August 2011, 10:28 pm

Skarloth

Skarloth

MNI Board Member
MNI Board Member

"Finally, I would prefer if we made a separate topic for each chapter. It's better if we review them first on their own topic, and later on post them in the chapter topic. I'll make one once we get some writing approved."

This is now the TGC prologue topic, we can make another Chapters topic without deleting all these posts and such. Tongue

-Skar

8TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 7th August 2011, 4:29 pm

Legolover-361

Legolover-361

MNI COO

MNI COO

Does anyone mind if I edit the prologue? Other than the large number of run-on sentences, the paragraphs could be split up more -- and besides which, this is the only way I can help write TGC at the moment. Tongue

9TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 7th August 2011, 4:32 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

Yeah, yeah, I was going to run this through once I'm done with the storyboard (hint, hint).

If you can hold off, please, so I can spell check something too? Tongue

10TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 7th August 2011, 8:30 pm

Skarloth

Skarloth

MNI Board Member
MNI Board Member

WAIT. HOLD OFF ON THAT LL.

I need to edit the chapter a bit, and then you can have at it. Tongue

-Skar

11TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 9th August 2011, 1:04 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

Alright, are the edits ready?

12TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 9th August 2011, 2:20 pm

Skarloth

Skarloth

MNI Board Member
MNI Board Member

Nope, I haven't touched that thing since I last edited it, which was about a week ago.

-Skar

13TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 13th August 2011, 4:44 pm

Skarloth

Skarloth

MNI Board Member
MNI Board Member

Spoiler:

There, it's edited just like you said.

-Skar

14TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 17th September 2011, 11:05 pm

Legolover-361

Legolover-361

MNI COO

MNI COO

I'm currently working on editing a copy of the new prologue, Skarloth. I hope you don't mind if I change around a lot of the descriptions; after all, you can always edit overtop my edits. Tongue

15TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 18th September 2011, 12:43 pm

Legolover-361

Legolover-361

MNI COO

MNI COO

Here's my edited version. Feel free to tweak and / or mangle it to your liking.

I corrected run-on sentences (begone!), added a lot more descriptions, and tweaked the dialogue somewhat so it sounds more natural.

Spoiler:

16TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 16th December 2011, 11:22 am

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

Spoiler:

I've changed a lot of awkward parts, and fix'd some typos (i. e. shrugged, not shruged) in the text.

Without further delay, I approve this as the Official TGC Prologue. Thanks everyone for the contribution you've put into finalized this thing, which has been rewritten over four times.

17TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 17th December 2011, 2:16 am

ValkyrieLightDragon

ValkyrieLightDragon

MNI Conceptual Artist

MNI Conceptual Artist

Not so quick:

1. "Falling even deeper into he thoughts." Ahem: "his thoughts".
2. "through beautiful art of the day the Great Being arrived". I think we need a plural "Great Beings" in there.

Only small tad bits and pieces.

18TGC Prologue Empty Re: TGC Prologue 31st December 2011, 12:12 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

Corrected:

Spoiler:

This is final. If you have any bits that you consider need changing, please contact me by pm.

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