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TGC - Chapter 9

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1TGC - Chapter 9 Empty TGC - Chapter 9 24th April 2012, 6:29 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

Spoiler:


Two frankin' years and TGC is complete. Rejoice, a new era is coming. It's well-written, that's what I'd like to believe, but it also might be rushed at some points. As always, editing is welcomed. Some elements not featured on the storyboard are part of TPJ plot.

2TGC - Chapter 9 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 9 28th April 2012, 1:40 am

HahliNuva

HahliNuva

AC 3D Modelling Leader

AC 3D Modelling Leader

Edited:
Spoiler:

3TGC - Chapter 9 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 9 16th May 2012, 7:51 am

ValkyrieLightDragon

ValkyrieLightDragon

MNI Conceptual Artist

MNI Conceptual Artist

Chapter 9 I will do, if you don't mind (as a final to all the chapters I've corrected):

- "more than a killer… murder". 'Murder' or 'murderer'?

- "all that is left in sphere is remains of his thoughts ". 'in this sphere are remains'.

- "Everyone see different things". 'Everyone sees different'.

-"realize it full power!". 'it's'.

-"longer require to rely on fear". 'longer have to rely on fear'. 'Require to rely' is...a little strangely worded.

- "Haha." Protasious raised". Replace full-stop before closing quotations with coma.

- ", projected through psionic energy in the air". We already know there's heaps of psionic energy flying around. Change it to: "projected in front of him."

-"“Finally.” Invidior’s". Again, replace full-stop with coma.

- "and run off towards". 'ran' instead of 'run'.

-"The last blow needed to knock off the wall had been done." What does that mean? Rephrase it.

-"come here for to chat". Remove 'for'.

-"Avarus, who was chagrining". 'Chagrining'? He was disappointed at her? Or is he charging? Or is he grinning?

-", ran up to to him.". Double 'to'. Remove one.

-"The four of them run back". 'ran' instead of 'run'.

-"In second, the pressure was relieved". 'in a second'.

-"Energized Protodermis." Should this be said? I mean, our readers are already Bionicle fans. I think it would be more interesting to let them make the connection themselves. I would also suggest this with some of the other 'indicators' in the previous paragraphs. I, as a Bionicle reader, already made the connection without requiring it be said. But it's just a suggestion.

- "from three step small stairs that". 'from three small steps' or 'from the bottom of the stairs'.

-"Forgot it. And just guess where this lead us". 'Forgot it' or 'forget it'? And 'leads'.

- ", other kept on trying to". 'others'.



That's all. Fantastic work. Very awesome. Smile

4TGC - Chapter 9 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 9 3rd June 2012, 11:25 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

To be honest, as you said, the hints are obvious. I personally like the way it is done.

Anyway, fully approved CH9:


Spoiler:

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