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TM Chapter 3

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1TM Chapter 3 Empty TM Chapter 3 5th June 2011, 5:05 pm

GoldenTahu

GoldenTahu

Their Mistake Story Manager

Their Mistake Story Manager

Here 'tis, way ahead of time. I went for really a foreboding mood in this one. Next chapter is where the real action starts. Rigs should read and review chapter 2 before reading this.

Spoiler:



Last edited by GoldenTahu on 9th March 2012, 1:00 pm; edited 11 times in total

2TM Chapter 3 Empty Re: TM Chapter 3 8th June 2011, 5:07 pm

HahliNuva

HahliNuva

AC 3D Modelling Leader

AC 3D Modelling Leader

Wonderful job on this! I don't see any grammatical errors. Smile

HN

3TM Chapter 3 Empty Re: TM Chapter 3 23rd June 2011, 3:07 pm

GoldenTahu

GoldenTahu

Their Mistake Story Manager

Their Mistake Story Manager

Rigs, I'm getting a little impatient here.

4TM Chapter 3 Empty Re: TM Chapter 3 23rd June 2011, 4:30 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

Makuta and Avi had doubtless kept going about their work through the night. They never tired.

They never fix'd

***

The first dialogue looks a bit mechanical. It'd be nice if they would response a bit more; like in chapter one. It looks like Gaia is giving Angonce instructions to the Spherus Magna Club, and they are both bored.

Never make characters bored. This boredom get's transmitted right into the reader's mind. Angonce was just told about something completely new, and he must look excited. It's something that changes people, and kills others, he must be living his science dream. Not saying "Sigh, so bored with this stuff".

But I liked Gaia's last line in this dialogue.



Raanu: He’s not happy at being burned by the Ice Lord, especially since he’s the one who usually does the burning.

Me likes the second dialogue and this line.


The rest of the chapter looks awesome, great work.


5TM Chapter 3 Empty Re: TM Chapter 3 29th June 2011, 5:49 pm

GoldenTahu

GoldenTahu

Their Mistake Story Manager

Their Mistake Story Manager

Edited and awaiting your approval Rigs...

6TM Chapter 3 Empty Re: TM Chapter 3 11th July 2011, 6:08 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

Well, the conversation seams now a lot more better, although Angonce still doesn't give out the impression that he might have stumbled upon the next great discovery.

Nevertheless, It's approved for now.

7TM Chapter 3 Empty Re: TM Chapter 3 11th July 2011, 6:18 pm

GoldenTahu

GoldenTahu

Their Mistake Story Manager

Their Mistake Story Manager

Already been improved and approved. Done finally.

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