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LT Chapter 1

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1LT Chapter 1 Empty LT Chapter 1 15th July 2011, 4:29 pm

St. Francis

St. Francis

Plast! CEO

Plast! CEO

Tell me what you think.

Spoiler:

-Spawn



Last edited by Tyler Durden on 15th July 2011, 6:07 pm; edited 2 times in total

2LT Chapter 1 Empty Re: LT Chapter 1 15th July 2011, 6:02 pm

GoldenTahu

GoldenTahu

Their Mistake Story Manager

Their Mistake Story Manager

Nicely written, and I think that this opens the door for Lein's future corruption nicely. A few grammatical errors, but nothing major.

A couple things might need a change, though. You should probably exchange any "cash" referrences to something like"money" or in the case of this story "hard money", because we already decided that no paper money was used on SM, but coins of valuable metal.

Also the phrase “I’m looking to make a load of cash anyway, man" sounds a bit strange for an Agori. Do they say "man" like that?

Otherwise a nice read, and I laughed at many of Dyra's comments.

3LT Chapter 1 Empty Re: LT Chapter 1 15th July 2011, 6:04 pm

St. Francis

St. Francis

Plast! CEO

Plast! CEO

Cash means money in general, not just paper. At least, to me it does.

GRAMMARERRORZWHAR

I might change the mans, but I don't see much wrong with them, either.

Thanks for the review. :3

-Spawn



Last edited by Tyler Durden on 15th July 2011, 6:09 pm; edited 1 time in total

4LT Chapter 1 Empty Re: LT Chapter 1 15th July 2011, 6:08 pm

GoldenTahu

GoldenTahu

Their Mistake Story Manager

Their Mistake Story Manager

I just looked it up, and yeah cash means any form of currency.

i always imagined Toa of earth and Piraka-like characters(more punk like) talking like that. Tongue

5LT Chapter 1 Empty Re: LT Chapter 1 16th July 2011, 8:29 am

Legolover-361

Legolover-361

MNI COO

MNI COO

Good job, Spawn! The chapter is nicely written; I definitely like how you portrayed Lein and Dyra -- and, in extension, their relationship. Tongue My only real critique is how short the chapter seems. Nothing much is happening, true, but I think some more descriptions -- of locations, characters, etc. -- and greater insight into Lein's mind would help. I'll try adding those in.

Also, P-P-P-PINNED. Smile

6LT Chapter 1 Empty Re: LT Chapter 1 31st July 2011, 10:22 am

Legolover-361

Legolover-361

MNI COO

MNI COO

Since the Lein's Tale forum has been reopened, I decided to post my somewhat edited version of Spawn's chapter. None of the events changed; I just changed quite a few of the descriptions.

Spoiler:

Sponsored content



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