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The Tunnel - Review

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1 The Tunnel - Review on 22nd October 2010, 12:38 am

Skarloth

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First topic message reminder :

So anybody like the prologue? Anyone? At all?

I actually think it's kind of gloomy, but it gets cool to make up for the gloom.

I could list species here, along with powers.

I'll give a brief list of characters here.

Kpik: A Toa of ice, he transforms into a Dragon. He is the leader of the group along with Celu, they co-lead together.

Spawn: A Toa of Fire, he transforms into a Panther. Sometimes he likes the quest they've been put on, but other times he grumpy and doesn't want to talk.

Celu: A Toa of Air, he transforms into a large walking Turtle (it's cooler than you think). He co-leads with Kpik, but doesn't like the quest, he has tried to leave many times before, only to fail.

Aderia: A Toa of Water, she transforms into a large Raven. She hasn't voiced her opinion on all of this yet, in fact, she doesn't say much at all. But when she does it's mostly important.

Aero/Soundwave: A Toa of Earth, he transforms into a Phoenix. He usually talks too much, sometimes getting himself in trouble, he has been known so far to taunt the enemies, making them more angry, this has two effects, one, they will do everything in their power to kill Aero, two, they are more reckless, and end up dying fast.

Riglax: A Toa of Stone, he transforms into an Alligator. Riglax doesn't like how he wasn't picked as leader as well, but he has decided that three leaders would be bad, and the group would be half leaders, half not.

Name:Razgriz 1
Gender: Male
Element: Lightning
Transformation: Utahraptor
Combat Specialty: An accomplished Martial Artist, he is an extremely capable and powerful hand to hand combatant. With weapons, he's a mixed bag. He's not a bad shot, but nothing to really write home about. He can wing it decently with edged weapons, but his real strong point is his proficiency as a staff fighter. when it comes to elemental powers, he's quite the creative and observant one, constantly thinking of and trying out new ways to use it. Most commonly, he uses his element to speed up his nervous system and therefore reaction times and speed.

He is fairly strong, stronger than most, but even his strength pales in comparision to his wicked speed and agility. Even without the assistance to his reflexes he's figured out how to use by way of his element, he is easily the fastest on the team and is capable of a barrage of quick, hard strikes from nearly every concievable angle, all hitting a specific point, rather than just blindly jabbing in the general direction of the body.

As hard as it is to guard from his offense, it is perhaps even harder to land a hit on him, as his training has paid off well, he'll often manage to be everywhere your weapon isn't, flowing with the combat and the attacks rather than opposing them. "A slipperly little blighter", he's often been called. In the even he does take a direct hit, he'll take it fairly well, but he is by no means the most durable fighter, but he more than makes up for it by almost never allowing a direct hit.

Personality: Here we go. He's a snarky, sarcastic fellow, and doesn't take much beyond combat seriously. As such, he can be insenstive at times, and often doesn't think before he talks. He's good friends with Spawn, and they share many traits, such as their lax, easygoing natures, frequent joking, and insane ideas that they try half the time.

In combat, he's prone to taunting his foes, adding plenty of feul to the fire that is their anger until it, and they, blaze out of control and get sloppy. Unlike others, he doesn't look at fighting and see a chore, a task, something to be hated. Rather, when he fights, he feels as if it is a form of art, and as such, often spars with others or practices his forms in his spare time.

Training: One of the forms he is quite interested in particular is the Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken Training*. In this training, one places chestnuts or something of the sort on an open fire, such as a campfire. The trainee then attempts to snatch the chestnuts with out being burned. Progress is often slow, with frequent burns on the hand. In time, the trainee becomes fast enough to complete the task, removing the objects from the fire with no burns whatsoever. The result is a fighter who is not only blindingly fast, but also extremely accurate, with the exact knowledge of where their strikes are at all times.

Name: Zarayna Sigur Foireann (last two names almost never used.)
Title: The Assassin Archer
Species: Toa
Gender: Male
Powers: Sonics, telekinesis.
Kanohi: Matatu (noble shaped).
Appearance: A rather short, slim toa, Zarayna is a head under most toa. His armor is like no other; a mottled green and brown that changes color at his will.
Abilities: An expert archer, fairly skilled in the wielding of his powers and kanohi. Zarayna is agile and fast, although by no means as strong as average.
Equipment: A recurve bow, wristblades, and a half dozen throwing knives.
Personality: Zarayna is rather introverted, and doesn't usually talk to people who he doesn't know. He is forgetful and scatterbrained, as well as being a grade A procrastinator. He also has a habit of taking people totally literally; his form of a joke, although few people find it funny.

Name: Mangai
Species: Fe-Toa
Gender: Male
Powers: Mangai can control Iron at a toa level, manipulating/controlling/absorbing it, etc. However, he is surprisingly both imaginative and efficient with this power, having honed it to such a degree that he can use precisely enough power for any usage of his element, and creative enough to come up with literally ANY usage in the first place. However, one of his favorite, and signature, tactics, is subtly controlling the armor and metallic parts of his allies while watching their backs. This allows him to enhance their force to near-irresistible levels as well as allowing Mangai to man them out of harm's way in time if they cannot dodge an attack, or simply to keep their balance. The other only tactic unique to Mangai is compressing the metal within his and others' armor and turning it into hyper-sharp weapons in mere seconds which are able to shear clean through rock. He often uses this second favorite to surprise would-be ambushers by suddenly extending blades from his back.
Appearance: Mangai looks to be a gunmetal toa with burnt orange highlights wearing a Great Matatu without a scope. He has restless light blue eyes and is lithe and wiry.
Abilities: The Toa of Iron is a master of pretty much every single weapon, though he prefers bladed ones. Mangai also is hair-splittingly precise and conceptually ingenuous as previously mentioned. When combining these traits with his exceptionally versatile element, one gets a combatant who attacks unpredictably, unable to be guarded against, and with nigh unstoppable force.
Transformation: Mangai transforms into a Giant (as in, double the normal size), amphibious Northern Pacific Giant Octopus that is lightly armored. He actually doesn't mind the sheer strangeness of this, though, as its many arms and surprising strength give him the ability to take on just as many opponents at once as he can normally; that is to say, a fairly large number alone. Plus, his flexibility in the other form, as well as ability to spew ink and many tentacles are useful tools alongside his snapping beak.
Personality: Mangai almost completely contrasts with his remaining comrade, Razgriz. Where 'Raz' can be insensitive socially, Mangai always thinks carefully when talking to others before stating his opinion. Where Raz is snarky, Mangai is so serious he has never even honestly considered using sarcasm in conversation, thinking it a waste of time and hurtful. Where Raz is lax, Mangai is incredibly restless and never feels quite comfortable with taking anything easy, leading to him often taking things literally and refusing to believe that others are sincere when they give him compliments or tell him they want to be in a positive relationship with him. This leads to Mangai harboring a secret paranoia and to always stay on the edge, planning, honing, ready to fight. However, there is one thing that does keep Mangai leading a tolerable relationship with Raz: Their love of combat. Although the Fe-Toa makes it his principle to shun combat when necessary, even in a spar, with the trauma of the tunnel, he has adapted to love it. Now Mangai is an adrenaline junkie, living for the rush of combat (even though he won't admit it outright), giving them something in common. Should, if ever, Mangai finish planning, end his drills, and stop sharpening his weapons for the day, his mind will still, however, be running a mile a minute as he ponders the meaning of his own existence in The Tunnel.

If you don't like what you are, or how you're like, speak up.

^ Seriously, speak up if you don't like how you are.

-Skar



Last edited by Skarkasm on 2nd August 2011, 8:33 pm; edited 5 times in total (Reason for editing : Adding Spawn's Rahi form)


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The Grand Creation...

26 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 29th June 2011, 12:09 am

Skarloth

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MNI Board Member
MNI Board Member
MEEEEEEHHH

No.

I'm going with what I'm going with, and that's that. Mangai will just have to sit this epic out.

I'll start writing a chapter tomorrow, but it's night right now, and I'll be leaving soon to bed.

-Skar


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The Grand Creation...

27 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 16th July 2011, 1:17 pm

Skarloth

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MNI Board Member
Okay... new chapter in the works... I'm dying for work, and writing, so I wrote an SS, and now I'll continue with this.

-Skar


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The Grand Creation...

28 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 16th July 2011, 4:47 pm

Razgriz

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RPG Forum Staff
Looks pretty cool.

*wants in*


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29 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 16th July 2011, 4:50 pm

Riglax

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MNI CEO

MNI CEO
YES, MORE AWESOMENESS.

WANT MORE.


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User: I hate ponies.
Cleverbot: Why would you hate ponies?
User: Because they are made in china?
Cleverbot: True.

30 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 16th July 2011, 4:55 pm

Skarloth

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MNI Board Member
MNI Board Member
Well, I suppose I can stick Raz and Mango in.

Sure, next chapter, I'll do that.

But, Raz, if you'll tell me what you wish to transform into (Everyone has to), and what you want your element to be, I'll add you to the list of characters.

And when Mango gets back I'll ask him to do the same.

-Skar


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The Grand Creation...

31 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 16th July 2011, 4:56 pm

Razgriz

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RPG Forum Staff
I'm so tempted to make an RPG-esque character profile.


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32 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 16th July 2011, 4:59 pm

Skarloth

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MNI Board Member
Go ahead, I think I should change those bios up there to that format, just because everyone here's so familiar with it.

-Skar


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The Grand Creation...

33 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 16th July 2011, 5:00 pm

Razgriz

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RPG Forum Staff

RPG Forum Staff
ON IT.

brb deer investigating cabin


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34 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 16th July 2011, 6:02 pm

Razgriz

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RPG Forum Staff

RPG Forum Staff
Name:Razgriz 1
Gender: Male
Element: Lightning
Transformation: Utahraptor
Combat Specialty: An accomplished Martial Artist, he is an extremely capable and powerful hand to hand combatant. With weapons, he's a mixed bag. He's not a bad shot, but nothing to really write home about. He can wing it decently with edged weapons, but his real strong point is his proficiency as a staff fighter. when it comes to elemental powers, he's quite the creative and observant one, constantly thinking of and trying out new ways to use it. Most commonly, he uses his element to speed up his nervous system and therefore reaction times and speed.

He is fairly strong, stronger than most, but even his strength pales in comparision to his wicked speed and agility. Even without the assistance to his reflexes he's figured out how to use by way of his element, he is easily the fastest on the team and is capable of a barrage of quick, hard strikes from nearly every concievable angle, all hitting a specific point, rather than just blindly jabbing in the general direction of the body.

As hard as it is to guard from his offense, it is perhaps even harder to land a hit on him, as his training has paid off well, he'll often manage to be everywhere your weapon isn't, flowing with the combat and the attacks rather than opposing them. "A slipperly little blighter", he's often been called. In the even he does take a direct hit, he'll take it fairly well, but he is by no means the most durable fighter, but he more than makes up for it by almost never allowing a direct hit.

Personality: Here we go. He's a snarky, sarcastic fellow, and doesn't take much beyond combat seriously. As such, he can be insenstive at times, and often doesn't think before he talks. He's good friends with Spawn, and they share many traits, such as their lax, easygoing natures, frequent joking, and insane ideas that they try half the time.

In combat, he's prone to taunting his foes, adding plenty of feul to the fire that is their anger until it, and they, blaze out of control and get sloppy. Unlike others, he doesn't look at fighting and see a chore, a task, something to be hated. Rather, when he fights, he feels as if it is a form of art, and as such, often spars with others or practices his forms in his spare time.

Training: One of the forms he is quite interested in particular is the Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken Training*. In this training, one places chestnuts or something of the sort on an open fire, such as a campfire. The trainee then attempts to snatch the chestnuts with out being burned. Progress is often slow, with frequent burns on the hand. In time, the trainee becomes fast enough to complete the task, removing the objects from the fire with no burns whatsoever. The result is a fighter who is not only blindingly fast, but also extremely accurate, with the exact knowledge of where their strikes are at all times.

*(credit for concept goes to Rumiko Takahashi, creator of Ranma 1/2)

35 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 16th July 2011, 6:19 pm

Skarloth

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MNI Board Member
MNI Board Member
Quite a profile... lol I was about to say "approved" XD

I'll start on the next chapter tomorrow, in fact, I'll start the next chapter with you and Mango fighting.

Gosh I hope that doesn't end up taking a whole chapter...

-Skar


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The Grand Creation...

36 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 16th July 2011, 6:20 pm

Razgriz

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RPG Forum Staff

RPG Forum Staff
Sweet.


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37 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 16th July 2011, 10:04 pm

Razgriz

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RPG Forum Staff

RPG Forum Staff
I HAS MOST KILLS TROLOLOLO

I liked that chapter, it was pretty awesome.

Although, I do come across as a bit of a prick in it, and I know perfectly well how to use utensils and all, otherwise, I liked it.


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38 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 16th July 2011, 10:49 pm

Skarloth

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MNI Board Member
MNI Board Member
Hm, well, how would you eat after a war/eluding death? Tongue

I'll make you less of a prick next time. XP

Well, I guess I'll write a chapter tomorrow, maybe two... I've proven I can do it.

-Skar


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The Grand Creation...

39 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 16th July 2011, 10:49 pm

Razgriz

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RPG Forum Staff
K lol

Good stuff, bro.


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40 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 16th July 2011, 10:54 pm

Skarloth

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MNI Board Member
MNI Board Member
Well thanks. Smile

Didn't think I'd receive this much praise for it when I started it. Tongue

-Skar


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The Grand Creation...

41 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 22nd July 2011, 8:47 pm

Zarayna

avatar

Retired

Retired
Name: Zarayna Sigur Foireann (last two names almost never used.)
Title: The Assassin Archer
Species: Toa
Gender: Male
Powers: Sonics, telekinesis.
Kanohi: Matatu (noble shaped).
Appearance: A rather short, slim toa, Zarayna is a head under most toa. His armor is like no other; a mottled green and brown that changes color at his will.
Abilities: An expert archer, fairly skilled in the wielding of his powers and kanohi. Zarayna is agile and fast, although by no means as strong as average.
Equipment: A recurve bow, wristblades, and a half dozen throwing knives.
Personality: Zarayna is rather introverted, and doesn't usually talk to people who he doesn't know. He is forgetful and scatterbrained, as well as being a grade A procrastinator. He also has a habit of taking people totally literally; his form of a joke, although few people find it funny.

There, I'll spare you the personality section.


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ZARAYNA: THE QUIET LIGHT
As the opposite of what you say is true, your statement must be erroneous.

42 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 22nd July 2011, 9:45 pm

Skarloth

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MNI Board Member
MNI Board Member
Good enough. Appro-

I mean, he's in. Tongue

-Skar


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43 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 25th July 2011, 11:15 pm

The Shadowed

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RPG Forum Staff

RPG Forum Staff
Kaze, you asked for it, and by carkin' erk, you will get it. My profile:

Name: Mangai
Species: Fe-Toa
Gender: Male
Powers: Mangai can control Iron at a toa level, manipulating/controlling/absorbing it, etc. However, he is surprisingly both imaginative and efficient with this power, having honed it to such a degree that he can use precisely enough power for any usage of his element, and creative enough to come up with literally ANY usage in the first place. However, one of his favorite, and signature, tactics, is subtly controlling the armor and metallic parts of his allies while watching their backs. This allows him to enhance their force to near-irresistible levels as well as allowing Mangai to man them out of harm's way in time if they cannot dodge an attack, or simply to keep their balance. The other only tactic unique to Mangai is compressing the metal within his and others' armor and turning it into hyper-sharp weapons in mere seconds which are able to shear clean through rock. He often uses this second favorite to surprise would-be ambushers by suddenly extending blades from his back.
Appearance: Mangai looks to be a gunmetal toa with burnt orange highlights wearing a Great Matatu without a scope. He has restless light blue eyes and is lithe and wiry.
Abilities: The Toa of Iron is a master of pretty much every single weapon, though he prefers bladed ones. Mangai also is hair-splittingly precise and conceptually ingenuous as previously mentioned. When combining these traits with his exceptionally versatile element, one gets a combatant who attacks unpredictably, unable to be guarded against, and with nigh unstoppable force.
Transformation: Mangai transforms into a Giant (as in, double the normal size), amphibious Northern Pacific Giant Octopus that is lightly armored. He actually doesn't mind the sheer strangeness of this, though, as its many arms and surprising strength give him the ability to take on just as many opponents at once as he can normally; that is to say, a fairly large number alone. Plus, his flexibility in the other form, as well as ability to spew ink and many tentacles are useful tools alongside his snapping beak.
Personality: Mangai almost completely contrasts with his remaining comrade, Razgriz. Where 'Raz' can be insensitive socially, Mangai always thinks carefully when talking to others before stating his opinion. Where Raz is snarky, Mangai is so serious he has never even honestly considered using sarcasm in conversation, thinking it a waste of time and hurtful. Where Raz is lax, Mangai is incredibly restless and never feels quite comfortable with taking anything easy, leading to him often taking things literally and refusing to believe that others are sincere when they give him compliments or tell him they want to be in a positive relationship with him. This leads to Mangai harboring a secret paranoia and to always stay on the edge, planning, honing, ready to fight. However, there is one thing that does keep Mangai leading a tolerable relationship with Raz: Their love of combat. Although the Fe-Toa makes it his principle to shun combat when necessary, even in a spar, with the trauma of the tunnel, he has adapted to love it. Now Mangai is an adrenaline junkie, living for the rush of combat (even though he won't admit it outright), giving them something in common. Should, if ever, Mangai finish planning, end his drills, and stop sharpening his weapons for the day, his mind will still, however, be running a mile a minute as he ponders the meaning of his own existence in The Tunnel.

It's too late now here to R & R, so I'll edit that in tomorrow morning. I'm not permanently coming back from my hiatus; however, I'd like you to know that I will be following this story, and will review occasionally.

EDIT: Here is the review.

Wow, Kaze, your writing has improved a bit. And I don't see many things to nitpick. So far, you have decent characterization, as well as great action and tension, created in this epic. You should probably repost it on BZP when it goes back up so more people can read it ;D

My only concern, though, is that know that you have my profile, my char will stop being Mr. Average Bumbling Sidekick in comparison to Raz (for the most part) XP. True, both chars were introduced at the same time and all, but I got the feeling that my char was not half as buttkicking from the way that he has four more kills than me, doesn't need weapons, and has eight lives while I rely on the sword given when by myself and have five respawnings to go before permanent death. If you need any other examples, look at Chapter Four-although Mangai saves Raz' life in return for Raz saving his, it's overshadowed by the fact that Raz looks at the ground falling apart, gets up, walks to the edge of the new canyon, looks down for a second or two, shrugs, says a line, and jumps away-all while Mangai is getting up. I mean, you'd think that all survivors of a group would be a little more competent than that (even with Raz' speed, it still takes a little while to stop and look, and unless his body can move at literally the speed of lightning, then Mangai should probably be up).

But, 'tis all. Really hope you continue this-I want to follow The Tunnel from now on Smile



Last edited by Der Blitzmesser on 26th July 2011, 7:38 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Adding review)


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44 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 26th July 2011, 12:36 am

Skarloth

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MNI Board Member
MNI Board Member
I knew you'd show up sometime!

Thank you for the profile, I'll have to read it tomorrow though, no time tonight.

EDIT:

Well thank you. And the only reason I made you that way, is because I was awaiting a profile, you were pretty much just blank, and without a personality, I'm beginning to regret cutting you down to that many lives.

While Razgriz had a profile, and a personality, you were without both of those, so I gave you somewhat of a personality based on how I believed you would be.

Obviously, I was mistaken. Now that you have a profile, you'll be more like I'm sure you should be.

My only trouble will be drilling these eight personalities into my head, and writing you all as you would react based on your profiles, I'm sure that is a challenge for any writer, but I've done good so far, and with this being the most popular Epic (and only running one) on MNI, I think that I can overcome these barriers, as long as people stay interested in it.

-Skar


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45 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 2nd August 2011, 10:22 pm

Zarayna

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Retired

Retired
YOU MUST MASTER THE WAYS OF THE SEMICOLON

Aside from that, from chapter three onwards, it's very good. the only redeeming factor I could find in the first ones were the epic plot.

I like how you portrayed Raz and Mango; they make an excellent team.

However, I hope I am not so uptight and snappy throughout the rest of the book (Yes, I'm usually more withdrawn then snappy, although being ambushed after a long battle like that could cause me to snap). I also realize that I need to add what my temper is to my profile. :/

So yes, you've utterly hooked me on this story, and I can't wait for the next chapter!

Oh, and we need to work on The Tunnel, the RPG! Zar - Beloved Smile


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ZARAYNA: THE QUIET LIGHT
As the opposite of what you say is true, your statement must be erroneous.

46 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 2nd August 2011, 10:58 pm

Razgriz

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RPG Forum Staff

RPG Forum Staff
Oho?

RPG of the story?

I AM INTEREST

REVIEW AND STUFF EDIT: WOAH PSYCHPATH ME :3

Yeah, that kinda sleep would fray the nerves and the sanity a bit.

47 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 2nd August 2011, 11:18 pm

Skarloth

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MNI Board Member
MNI Board Member
I'm glad I have faithful fans. Smile

And yes Raz, The Tunnel RPG. Battle for miles and miles... I have an idea already for some more story and RPG rather than fight fight fight.

I could... possibly, turn this into a Day Run-like RPG, without the Day Run feeling.

You see, it was meant to be a large event, with teams of six running blindly into the tunnel, and fighting against the enemies as they normally do in the story. I could make up a few more events, or perhaps.. ah, I don't know, we'll think of something.

Of course, we'll have to work this out here and on BZPower when it gets back. Yes, that's correct, if this were to become an RPG, we would have it on BZPower.

So, it's still just an idea, we need to pry it off the drawing board with a crowbar of imagination, because that's what we need to make it interesting.

-Skar


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48 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 2nd August 2011, 11:24 pm

Razgriz

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RPG Forum Staff

RPG Forum Staff
Hmmm...

I've got ideas, broseph...

Once the chatbox comes back up, we'll bounce 'em off each other.

Also: PSYCHOTIC RAZ OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO


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49 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 2nd August 2011, 11:30 pm

Skarloth

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MNI Board Member
Sounds like a plan. Think on it.

-Skar


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50 Re: The Tunnel - Review on 3rd August 2011, 9:15 am

The Shadowed

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RPG Forum Staff

RPG Forum Staff
These chapters are pretty good, Kaze. It's great writing, but still lacking a bit in the grammar side, as Zarayna-san pointed out. In any case, though, I'm still liking it, and hope to help with The Tunnel: The RPG, if it is ever made.


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"Remember me when fall the tears that rejuvenate in their sobering."

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