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The Final Version of the Prologue.

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Legolover-361
Celu
6 posters

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1The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty The Final Version of the Prologue. 21st March 2011, 5:51 pm

Celu

Celu

MNI Board Chairman

MNI Board Chairman

Vhisola rose amongst the wreckage that had been Metru-Nui, her chest a heaving tank. Her heart pounded as an earthquake, her body numb, a separate entity from her throbbing mind. Her vision blurred the world. She panted desperately, awaiting what seemed an eternity for clarity to return to existence.

"Ehrye?" The word was her own, but did not seem the part.

Silence wrapped its pale fingers around her throat and clenched. The familiar voice of another pried open its grip. Thanks became her.

"Vhisola?"

The Ga-Matoran whipped her head toward the source, her head swimming. Clarity slowly flowed back as the ocean, the form of Ehrye vaguely visible in the blackness. The sun-holes above had been blocked in the tremor.

"Are--ah, are you okay?" asked Vhisola. "That quake...horrible." She grimaced, stifling a cry of pain.

Ehrye stumbled closer over the carnage until his smile was visible, warm and comforting. Redeeming. "I'm...Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry." Even in the dark his eyes themselves smiled, reassuring. His smile flipped into a frown. "Where're the others?"

"I don't know... or if they're even still alive." She felt lunch coming up. "So what do we do now?"

Ehrye opened his mouth, then closed it, was silent. Vhisola too was speechless. The earthquake had wreaked utter destruction upon half of the Metru-Nui earth, the aftershocks--well, shocking. All sense of safety robbed, the two Matoran had tumbled into unconsciousness, black as the shadows about. Frantic, panicked inquiry filled the silence between them.

But the darkness was not complete. Vhisola scanned the shadows, spotted a weak light. "Maybe they went that way?" She gestured cautiously. It was as if too significant a movement would be her death.

Ehrye glanced at her, at the light, raised an eyebrow. "You sure?" he asked.

She hesitated. "No. Is their another choice? Besides, it's...it's not like there's any other place they could have gone." Still, she remained still. "Worth a look, don't you think?"

Ehrye did not respond, already trekking across the debris.

* * *

Nearly a full day--or was it night?--and their search had merited no results. It was common knowledge now that Mata-Nui was their true host, their whole world; logically, there existed some way out. The light Vhisola had noticed had been hard to discover, though; brighter toward the end of the cavern, but the tunnel was steel, reflective. Deceitful.

Ehrye pushed through a small pile of rubble, paused his work to run to Vhisola's call. The metal wall was cracked--an outside was paradise.

Trees - flowering plants - grass - and beings of all kinds. Some were recognizable as Matoran and Toa, some alien.

For a moment, Ehrye's heart leaped at the possibility of escape. Rationale stifled the impulse. "We cannot leave this way," the Ko-Matoran said dejectedly. "There's nothing we can use to widen the crack." The word burned his throat as he forced them out. "We have to find another way."

* * *

The dim reflection on the cave walls faded as the Matoran continued their search. They had found a hatch, but it was jammed, the twisted metal impossible to open. Light was blocked--whatever the inside possessed with shrouded in the ever-present darkness. The light dimmed every hour, until further exploration became an impossible task. The two Matoran made themselves as comfortable as they could get on mounds of protodermic rubble and slept.

Sunrise arrived. Ehyre and Vhisola and decided to explore a tunnel that the Ga-Matoran had found the night prior. After searching the rest of the metallic cavern and emerging empty-handed, it seemed that the tunnel was their only hope of escape.

The light in the cave gradually strengthened as the pair traveled down its length. As the two Matoran reached the top of the tunnel, they saw a large hole - it did not lead into the paradise they had seen before, but into a second cave. It seemed that they had reached a large cavern, lit artificially. Six tunnels led into six different types of terrain that reminded the Matoran of the island of Mata Nui: fire, water, earth, ice, sand and jungle.

It was, succinctly, majestic.

Vhisola and Ehrye ate some of the fruit from the forest area and then began to search the cave.

The cavern was filled with small trinkets, scattered amongst the shadows of the elemental tunnels.

"Vhisola! I found something!" shouted Ehrye.

Vhisola ran to his side and looked with him at the rock wall. Inscribed on the wall, in perfectly-readable yet ancient Matoran language, was a story. Together, Ehrye and Vhisola began to read, their eyes widening at the tale the words told:

"Many billions of years ago, two large spiral galaxies collided. As the massive black holes collided in the center, a large blast of pure was sent forth and fierce jets of matter spewed from the black hole, planting the area around it with the elements, but also destroying the galaxy. These waves of gas hit a solar system that contained a rocky world known as Spherus Magna. The waves of matter were seeded with the elements needed to make energized protodermis. Over the years, the protodermis formed in the planet's core and filtered through to the surface, turning the barren world into a lush planet filled with life."

Their eyes wide, Vhisola and Ehrye exchanged a wondrous look...something had begun.



Last edited by Celu on 15th July 2011, 3:12 pm; edited 4 times in total

2The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 21st March 2011, 7:56 pm

Legolover-361

Legolover-361

MNI COO

MNI COO

There are a bunch of grammatical mistakes here and a few awkward wording choices. Why not just use the version we submitted to the Imagine Teen 'Zine at the library a while back and you posted on BZPower?

3The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 26th March 2011, 10:40 am

HahliNuva

HahliNuva

AC 3D Modelling Leader

AC 3D Modelling Leader

I agree with LL. This prologue has many grammatical errors that detract from the story and I would be happy to fix them for you, Celu.

HN

4The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 26th March 2011, 11:55 am

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

Whoa wat? Submitted into wat? You guys know we need permission to do that, right? Anyways, who cares, since Bioran isn't around anymore, and I myself have done other things. Tongue

Ugh, for the last time, it was a sample, made for advertisement. What's so hard to get about that? *shrugs*



Last edited by Rigs on 28th March 2011, 4:09 pm; edited 1 time in total

5The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 27th March 2011, 11:01 am

Celu

Celu

MNI Board Chairman

MNI Board Chairman

Guys, my mom, who majored in English, proof read it, obviously these new age English books are wrong. Tongue

Yes, the English is perfect. Wink

6The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 27th March 2011, 9:01 pm

Legolover-361

Legolover-361

MNI COO

MNI COO

Celu, I don't want to offend you, but the English is not perfect.

Celu wrote:Panting heavily, wondering what in the world had happened, stood Vhisola.

"Ehrye? She called.

"Yes, Vhisola?" Ehrye answered. Vhisola watched as the figure of the Ko-Matoran that came into view from the shadows.

Three paragraphs, three errors. In the first paragraph, 'stood Vhisola' should be changed to something more like 'Vhisola stood up', as it would make more sense and be clearer.

You should have a second quotation mark after 'Ehrye?' and 'she' should begin with a lowercase S.

'Vhisola watched as the figure of the Ko-Matoran that came into view from the shadows' doesn't make sense. Remove 'that' and it should be fine.

A cold well settled in the stomach of Vhisola.

'The stomach of Vhisola' would be better if it were changed to 'Vhisola's stomach'. Possessive nouns are there for a reason. Tongue

Vhisola could not blame him - he did not know what to say, either.

'He' should be 'she', as Vhisola is, after all, a she.

The Matoran had been thrown by all means that the first quake, and just when everyone had thought had happened, another earthquake had reached, sending their city in darkness.

'Thrown by all means that' makes no sense in that sentence context. 'Thrown in all directions after' would make much better sense. 'Had happened' would be clearer as 'it was all over' (as in 'Just when everyone had thought it was all over...'). 'Had reached' is an odd phrase to use when referring to earthquakes; 'had struck', in my opinion at least, would sound better. Also, 'in darkness' would best be phrased as 'into darkness'.

As Vhisola eyes scanning the shadows, suddenly saw the light - weak, but existing. Ehrye She says, "Maybe they went that way."

'Vhisola eyes scanning' should be 'Vhisola's eyes scanned'. 'Suddenly saw' makes no sense unless it is shown who suddenly saw something -- in this case, Vhisola. So it should be 'she suddenly saw'. 'Ehrye She Says', I'm guessing, would be much better as 'To Ehrye, she said'.

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture. Tongue

Rigs wrote:Ugh, for the last time, it was a sample, made for advertisement. What's so hard to get about that? *shrugs*

But why release a 'sample' if it's not going to be the final version? Generally, a sample of something is part of the thing itself, not a part of the prototype -- otherwise it's, well, a sample of a prototype.

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

Nova Nebula wrote:
Rigs wrote:Ugh, for the last time, it was a sample, made for advertisement. What's so hard to get about that? *shrugs*

But why release a 'sample' if it's not going to be the final version? Generally, a sample of something is part of the thing itself, not a part of the prototype -- otherwise it's, well, a sample of a prototype.

Jeez, since when do we have to follow exactly what each word means...? Call it sample. Call it test, it's the same! It's a piece of what we are going to do, sized down to advertisement purposes. Shrugs

Anyways, that's past, and I don't think arguing about that would really help all that much.

8The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 28th March 2011, 7:46 pm

Legolover-361

Legolover-361

MNI COO

MNI COO

Rigs wrote:
Nova Nebula wrote:
Rigs wrote:Ugh, for the last time, it was a sample, made for advertisement. What's so hard to get about that? *shrugs*

But why release a 'sample' if it's not going to be the final version? Generally, a sample of something is part of the thing itself, not a part of the prototype -- otherwise it's, well, a sample of a prototype.

Jeez, since when do we have to follow exactly what each word means...?

Since the concept of grammar was invented. A word means what it's meant to mean (unless it's slang, in which case I despise its flexibility Tongue); otherwise, how would one person know what another person means?

Anyways, that's past, and I don't think arguing about that would really help all that much.

Agreed. I just wish we wouldn't keep editing, though... Shouldn't we be moving on from the prologue to Chapter One? We need to get Mata Nui Inc. moving; to do that, we need to pick up the pace. Just saying.

9The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 29th March 2011, 1:40 am

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

I want to story check this, but right now, once I finish School, I don't exactly go home, and although I have access to a computer, I don't have access to my MNI files. I'll be sure to story check it right today, meaning your evening. Then Celu can assign Chapter One to someone.

10The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 30th March 2011, 10:16 pm

HahliNuva

HahliNuva

AC 3D Modelling Leader

AC 3D Modelling Leader

I need to say something. Because this is our sample, it needs to be the best that it can be; after all, we only want people to see our best work. Therefore:

Panting heavily, wondering what in the world had happened, stood Vhisola.

"Ehrye? She called.

"Yes, Vhisola?" Ehrye answered. Vhisola watched as the figure of the Ko-Matoran came into view from the shadows.

"Are you okay?" asked Vhisola. "That earthquake was horrible."

Ehrye gave her a comforting smile. "I'm fine, don't worry." He said. Then he frowned. "Where are the others?"

"I don't know where are... or if they're even still alive." A cold well settled in Vhisola's stomach. "So what do we do now?"

Ehrye was silent. Vhisola could not blame him - she didn't know what to say either. During the earthquake, more than half of the ground beneath Metru Nui had collapsed. The Matoran had been devastated by the first quake, and just when everyone had thought the worst had passed, another earthquake had struck, plunging their city into darkness.

But the darkness was not complete. As Vhisola's eyes scanned the shadows, she suddenly saw a light - weak, but it was there. "Ehrye." She said, "Maybe they went that way."

Ehrye glanced at her. "Are you sure?" He asked.

"What other choice do we have?" Vhisola asked. "It's not like there's in any other place they could go. This is worth a look, don't you think?"

Ehrye did not respond. He was already making its way across the floor of debris scattered in the direction of light.


* * *

The two had been looking for hours, trying to find a solution. It was well known now that they had lived in a huge robot, billions of times larger than themselves, but unfortunately, the light Visola had seen was hard to pinpoint. At least down here it was lighter, but the cave was made of reflective metal, so it was quite difficult to find the light's source.

Ehrye was pushing through a small pile of rubble when he heard Visola call out. He ran to where the Ga-Matoran was standing. There was a crack in the metal - and outside it was a paradise.

Trees - flowering plants - - grass and beings of all kinds. Some were recognizable as Matoran and Toa, and some were strangers to the two Matoran.

For a moment, Ehrye's heart leaped at the possibility of escape. But then, it fell back down. "We cannot leave this way," the Ko-Matoran said dejectedly. "There's nothing we can use to widen the crack." It pained him to say it, but finally forced the words. "We have to find another way."

* * *

The dim reflection on the cave walls faded as Vhisola and Ehrye continued their search. They had found a hatch, but it was jammed, the twisted metal making it impossible to open. Soon it was too dark for either to explore any further, so the two Matoran made themselves as comfortable as they could get and slept.

The next morning came, and Ehyre and Vhisola and decided to explore a tunnel that the Ga-Matoran had found the night before. It seemed that it was their only hope of escape.

The light in the cave was slowly growing stronger. As the two Matoran reached the top of the tunnel, they saw a large hole - it did not lead into the paradise they had seen before, but into a cave. It seemed that they had reached a large cavern, lit artificially. Six tunnels led into six different types of terrain that reminded the Matoran of the island of Mata Nui. Fire, water, earth, ice, sand and jungle. It was, in a single word, majestic.

Vhisola and Ehrye ate some of the fruit from the forest area and then began to search the cave.

The cavern was filled with goods. It was not long before Ehrye found something interesting.

"Vhisola! I found something!" shouted Ehrye.

Vhisola ran and looked at the rock wall. Inscribed on the wall in the Matoran language, was a story. Ehrye and Vhisola began to read.

"Many billions of years ago, two large spiral galaxies collided. As the massive black holes collided in the center, a large blast of pure was sent forth and fierce jets of matter spewed from the black hole, planting the area around it with the elements, but also destroying the galaxy. These waves of gas hit a solar system that contained over a rocky world known as Spherus Magna. The matter waves were seeded with the elements needed to make protodermis. Over the years, protodermis formed in the planet's core and filtered through the surface, turning the barren world into a lush planet filled with life. "

Their eyes wide, Vhisola and Ehrye exchanged a look, both wondering what they had found.


Now that the grammar has been (mostly) fixed (many thanks to LL for catching some of the errors), we can decide what exactly we want to do with this.

11The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 31st March 2011, 11:00 am

Celu

Celu

MNI Board Chairman

MNI Board Chairman

Thanks HN. Smile

12The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 31st March 2011, 7:51 pm

HahliNuva

HahliNuva

AC 3D Modelling Leader

AC 3D Modelling Leader

No problem- I'm here to make awesome models and fix stories. Wink Also, please let me know when Chapter One is up for revisions.

HN

13The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 8th April 2011, 12:22 pm

Celu

Celu

MNI Board Chairman

MNI Board Chairman

So, this is our final version of the prologue, which means we can post it on BZP soon.

I'm now working on Chapter 1 and maybe getting workers to take some chapters to write, so stay tuned for a topic about that. Wink

14The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 9th April 2011, 12:21 pm

Karmanu

Karmanu

MNI Author

MNI Author

Is this in line with the storyline? We can dream up our own scenarios, but they have to be possible in the official storyline.

15The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 9th April 2011, 12:34 pm

GoldenTahu

GoldenTahu

Their Mistake Story Manager

Their Mistake Story Manager

Karmanu wrote:Is this in line with the storyline? We can dream up our own scenarios, but they have to be possible in the official storyline.
Unless Greg decides to suddenly go on a super extensive prequel serial to explain how the Bionicle world began, then this is all plausible.

16The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 9th April 2011, 8:40 pm

Legolover-361

Legolover-361

MNI COO

MNI COO

It's not quite proofread yet; there are still a few mistakes I've spotted, as well as some sections of wording I think should be improved:

Panting heavily, wondering what in the world had just happened, Vhisola rose to a standing position amongst the wreckage of Metru Nui. Her muscles ached, but that was the last thing on her mind right now.

"Ehrye?" she called.

There was a cough, silence that seemed to wrap around Vhisola's throat, and then - thankfully - Ehrye's answering voice: "Yes, Vhisola?"

Vhisola turned in the voice's direction and watched as the figure of the Ko-Matoran came into view from the shadows. She had to squint to see his horrible condition - it was dark now, the sun-holes above blocked by something.

"Are you okay?" asked Vhisola. "That earthquake was horrible."

Ehrye gave her a comforting smile. "I'm fine, don't worry," he said. Then he frowned. "Where are the others?"

"I don't know where they are... or if they're even still alive." A cold well settled in Vhisola's stomach. "So what do we do now?"

Ehrye was silent. Vhisola could not blame him - she didn't know what to say either. During the earthquake, more than half of the ground beneath Metru Nui had collapsed. The Matoran had been devastated by the first quake, and just when everyone had thought the worst had passed, another earthquake had struck, plunging their city into darkness - and sending both Ehrye and Vhisola into the grip of unconsciousness, just as dark as the shadows around them.

But the darkness was not complete. As Vhisola's eyes scanned the shadows, she suddenly saw a light - weak, but still there. "Ehrye," she said, "maybe they went that way." She pointed.

Ehrye glanced at her, then at the light. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"What other choice do we have?" Vhisola returned. "It's not like there's any other place they could have gone. This is worth a look, don't you think?"

Ehrye did not respond. He was already making his way across the debris scattered across the floor, heading in the direction of the light.


* * *

The two had been looking for hours, trying to find a way out. It was well-known now that the Matoran lived in a huge robot, billions of times larger than themselves; thus, logically, there existed some way out. Unfortunately, the light Visola had seen was hard to pinpoint: Down the tunnel in the floor, it was lighter, but the cave was made of reflective metal, making it quite difficult to find the light's source.

Ehrye was pushing through a small pile of rubble when he heard Visola call out. He ran to where the Ga-Matoran was standing. There was a crack in the metal - and outside was a paradise.

Trees - flowering plants - grass - and beings of all kinds. Some were recognizable as Matoran and Toa, and some were strange to the two Matoran.

For a moment, Ehrye's heart leaped at the possibility of escape. But then, it fell back down. "We cannot leave this way," the Ko-Matoran said dejectedly. "There's nothing we can use to widen the crack." It pained him to say it, but he finally forced the words out. "We have to find another way."

* * *

The dim reflection on the cave walls faded as Vhisola and Ehrye continued their search. They had found a hatch, but it was jammed, the twisted metal making it impossible to open as well as blocking any outside light. In addition, what little light there was dimmed considerably over the hours; soon it was too dark for either to explore any further. The two Matoran made themselves as comfortable as they could get on the mounds of protodermic rubble and slept.

The next morning came, and Ehyre and Vhisola and decided to explore a tunnel that the Ga-Matoran had found the night before. After searching the rest of the metallic cavern and coming up dry, it seemed that the tunnel was their only hope of escape.

The light in the cave slowly grew stronger as the two traveled down its length. As the two Matoran reached the top of the tunnel, they saw a large hole - it did not lead into the paradise they had seen before, but into a cave. It seemed that they had reached a large cavern, lit artificially. Six tunnels led into six different types of terrain that reminded the Matoran of the island of Mata Nui: fire, water, earth, ice, sand and jungle. It was, in a single word, majestic.

Vhisola and Ehrye ate some of the fruit from the forest area and then began to search the cave.

The cavern was filled with goods, trinkets, hidden here and there amongst the elemental caves. It was not long before Ehrye found something interesting.

"Vhisola! I found something!" shouted Ehrye.

Vhisola ran to his side and looked with him at the rock wall. Inscribed on the wall, in perfectly-readable yet ancient Matoran language, was a story. Together, Ehrye and Vhisola began to read, their eyes widening at the tale the words told:

"Many billions of years ago, two large spiral galaxies collided. As the massive black holes collided in the center, a large blast of pure was sent forth and fierce jets of matter spewed from the black hole, planting the area around it with the elements, but also destroying the galaxy. These waves of gas hit a solar system that contained a rocky world known as Spherus Magna. The waves of matter were seeded with the elements needed to make energized protodermis. Over the years, the protodermis formed in the planet's core and filtered through to the surface, turning the barren world into a lush planet filled with life."

Their eyes wide, Vhisola and Ehrye exchanged a look, both wondering what they had found.

17The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 11th April 2011, 7:46 am

Celu

Celu

MNI Board Chairman

MNI Board Chairman

Well, if you wish to point out where they are, I'd be happy to fix them. Smile

18The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 11th April 2011, 10:01 pm

Legolover-361

Legolover-361

MNI COO

MNI COO

I already fixed them in the post above yours. If you'd like, though, I could boldface the parts I edited.

19The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 23rd April 2011, 8:54 am

Celu

Celu

MNI Board Chairman

MNI Board Chairman

The first post is updated with the final final version.

20The Final Version of the Prologue. Empty Re: The Final Version of the Prologue. 25th April 2011, 1:49 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

This looks fine, and it's awesome.

After reading and such, and as the AC Executive blah blah blah, I approve this thing to be the Official Origins prologue blah blah blah blah, awesome blah job blah blah guise.

Tongue

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