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TGC - Chapter 5

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1TGC - Chapter 5 Empty TGC - Chapter 5 8th September 2011, 12:51 pm

Dov Kayranslayer

Dov Kayranslayer

MNI Author

MNI Author

Yes. Despite the odds, I managed finishing the fifth chapter of TGC on the very last day I could do that before the deadline.

Now please, if you don't like something, or if I made some storyline mistake, put a sock in it just edit it, whoever the editor is, and please don't bother reviewing because there's a ninety percent chance I won't be here for the next three days.

Spoiler:

2TGC - Chapter 5 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 5 8th September 2011, 1:10 pm

Legolover-361

Legolover-361

MNI COO

MNI COO

Awesome, Dovy. I'd point out a few things, but seeing as you said to just edit them... Twisted Evil

I didn't change much except the ending, for continuity purposes, and replaced the curses, as they wouldn't be allowed on BZPower, and we are posting the story there, too. I hope you don't mind if I mangle rewrite tweak the descriptions a bit later on. Then again, I might not.

Spoiler:

3TGC - Chapter 5 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 5 9th September 2011, 11:59 am

Dov Kayranslayer

Dov Kayranslayer

MNI Author

MNI Author

Oh, dzienkuje. (thank you in polish jsyk)

Good work there.

4TGC - Chapter 5 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 5 15th March 2012, 5:10 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

A'ight, I've edited and poked things around to make it accurate. It may needs some proofreading, as I don't have time to extensively edit every word.

Spoiler:

Overall, the chapter was cool. Sometimes it felt rushed; the last paragraph was just "Meh", as it could have been much more detailed. However, I remember Dov was busy at the time, and it isn't his fault the storyboard was changed; he couldn't have possibly known all details.

5TGC - Chapter 5 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 5 15th March 2012, 6:39 pm

HahliNuva

HahliNuva

AC 3D Modelling Leader

AC 3D Modelling Leader

I've made a few minor edits as well:

Spoiler:

6TGC - Chapter 5 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 5 16th March 2012, 1:25 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

Spoiler:

I've finalized all of HN's edits and did some of my own. (Very minor, actually). This Chapter is approved as Chapter Five of the Grand Creation.

LL, if you want to change something, you can do it. Even though the chapter doesn't need much polishing, especially when it comes to rewriting whole paragraphs.

7TGC - Chapter 5 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 5 16th April 2012, 2:35 am

ValkyrieLightDragon

ValkyrieLightDragon

MNI Conceptual Artist

MNI Conceptual Artist

Hope you don't mind me jumping in for a smidge:

- "He was the traitor! How couldn't I have known?"" There's a quotation mark at the end of this sentence, but there wasn't one to begin with. Should probably be removed.

- "Why was the complex designed so tragically as to restore power in emergencies to the less important stuff, such as lights, he had no idea." If you want to leave it as a question, add a ? at the end. If you want to keep it more as a statement, rewrite it at the start: "Why the complex was designed so..." etc. (i.e. "Why was the" denotes a question. Changing the order to "Why the [complex] was" conotates a passive question, or a statement.)

- "Ackar could swore that if it had not" Either: 'could swear' or 'could have sworn'.

- ""No. No. Useless. Come on! There's nothing useful over here either!"" Okay, I think a decision needs to be made; either Ackar's thoughts have no quotation marks, or they do.

- "Varonis became evolved on all of this" 'involved'. Varonis never evolved from a Pikachu to a Raichu (end of ridiculous joke)

- "Actually, the explained a lot more than he thought". I think 'the' should be 'that'.

- ""I only I had known!"". 'If' instead of the first 'I'.

- "of what the map labled" unless this is an american spelling, I think it's spelt: "labelled"

- "He walked closer at the agent, gazing at him." Hm, instead of 'at', I think 'to' would fit better.

- "Robur sat down, denying to continue working." I think this needs to be re-written. It's a little fiddely. I think "refusing to continue working" would sound a little better. Denying is more like saying: 'he denied the truth' rather than 'he denied his boss' demand to work'.

- "Sometimes that brute, was total idiot, thought Avarus". Firstly: the first comma is not fully necessary. Secondly: 'was a total idiot' (the 'a' is missing)

-"All ths time". oopsa; 'this' went a little skewy here.

- "Invidior and the others evolved? How was the Elder evolved?" same as before; 'involved'.

- "happens that the Elder himself maybe evolved into all of this" again, 'involved'. And: "that the Elder himself is potentially involved in all of this". Just a couple words missing, and I think 'potentially' will fit better than 'maybe'.

- "there's simply not much time": 'not a lot of time', I think is the correct way of saying it.

- "drunken useless merchanaries": 'mercenaries'.

- "It's undoubtedly, why the Order became a legend" that comma isn't 100% necessary.

- "The sleeper agents are controlled by Elder". is 'Elder' a name? If not, put 'the' in front.

- "wait a single milisecond" 'millisecond'

- "had not heard his named in quite a long time" 'name', not 'named'.

- "the Tower's structure was imperturbable". 'imperturbable'? Checking the definition, I think it mean 'cool', 'calm' or 'level-headed'. Don't you mean; 'impenetrable'?

I'll continue with the rest later. Tongue


EDIT: Here I continue:

- "muttered Pomerax. What if you". a quotation mark is missing after 'Pomerax'.

- "catacombs, miles bellow the city". 'below'. 'bellow' is to shout like some sort of beast.



That's all. Awesome work, as usual. Smile Just the couple of typos and language gimics, otherwise everything else is cool. :3

8TGC - Chapter 5 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 5 18th April 2012, 1:15 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

Spoiler:

LOL, I love your sarcasm on these. Makes it fun to edit XD.

It's done.

9TGC - Chapter 5 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 5 19th April 2012, 6:18 am

ValkyrieLightDragon

ValkyrieLightDragon

MNI Conceptual Artist

MNI Conceptual Artist

@Riglax: Haha, sorry. I can't help it. It's part of my system. XD

10TGC - Chapter 5 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 5 19th April 2012, 6:45 am

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

I was cracking up at "evolved". XD

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