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TGC - Chapter 8

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1TGC - Chapter 8 Empty TGC - Chapter 8 4th September 2011, 11:23 pm

Legolover-361

Legolover-361

MNI COO

MNI COO

Please, please; hold your applause. RAINBOW COOLNESS

I'd like to warn you all that this chapter is longer than Chapter 6. I don't think I dragged this chapter out too long, though; after all, there was an awful lot of material to include.

Spoiler:

2TGC - Chapter 8 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 8 23rd March 2012, 12:46 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

*JUMPS IN OUT OF NOWHERE BRINGING THE FRESH SPIRIT OF NO-PROCRASTINATION(!!!) INTO THE TOPIC*

YO, LL, WILL YOU EDIT THIS OR SHOULD I GO AHEAD AND DO IT?

3TGC - Chapter 8 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 8 23rd March 2012, 4:30 pm

Legolover-361

Legolover-361

MNI COO

MNI COO

No procrastination?

MY WORST ENEMY. Uh-huh

I don't have the time right now. I'll proofread afterwards, but I can't do anything now.

4TGC - Chapter 8 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 8 23rd March 2012, 4:44 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

Better this way; there's no reason to proofread something I am going to change anyway. I'll sent it later to you to proofread it.

5TGC - Chapter 8 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 8 31st March 2012, 12:07 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

Edited and approved version of Chapter 8:


Spoiler:


LL, if you want to do some changes, please don't rewrite the whole thing. It's quite awesomely written. As always, any corrections/edits are welcomed until the finalization of the serial.

6TGC - Chapter 8 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 8 17th April 2012, 6:45 am

ValkyrieLightDragon

ValkyrieLightDragon

MNI Conceptual Artist

MNI Conceptual Artist

Surprise, suprise, here I am.


- "the interrgoation". Spelling went awry here: 'interrogation"

- "I surrendered my self and". 'myself'. Merge the two.

- "the Ice Glatorian pointed straight ahead of the two Glatorian". You don't need to specify 'of the two Glatorian'. Straight ahead is straight ahead. The reader will have guessed this one their own.

- "and you had to tight it into your hand." I'm guessing this should be saying: 'had to hold it tight'.

- "to be titling into the". 'Tilting' rather than 'titling'.

- "probably were the magma". 'where' instead of 'were'.

- "No.." Either a full stop, or triple-dot. Double-dot looks half-way between. Tongue

- "No like last time, he thought". 'not'.

- "And it was too bad he did not." having just mentioned 'thrown out of office', are you referring to him not being thrown out of office, or not being killed? If it's the 'killing' one, then please add: 'too bad he did not do the former'.

- ""It's flawed," said softly Osavus", swap Osavus and 'softly'.

- "Didn't I told you", 'didn't I tell'.

- "have it's problems", 'its' instead of 'it's' (it's = it is)

- "Here, looks at the stats yourself", 'look'.

- "however, unstabilize", correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that word exists: 'destabilize' instead.

- "Ackar trapped with the others the construction facility,": 'in the construction facility'.

- "down he ladder"; 'down the ladder'.

- "with a several holograms on control panel": 'with several hologram on a control panel'.

- "Can't you not see it?”"; this essentially means: 'Can you see it?'. Double negation makes a positive, just like in math (2--2=4). Change it into either: "Can't you see it?" or "Can you not see it?"

- "power[/]i, the [i]future": remove the little formatting bits and pieces. Smile

- "You see, Varonis served as valuable asset": 'as a valuable..."

- "located into the central"; 'located in'.

- "lays the most"; 'lies'. He's not laying an egg.

- "power generator ever"; 'powerful'.

- On a general note, I think a couple of the 'molecules' could be changed up a bit. Using it a few times is okay, but it would be better if other words such as: atoms, units, iota and so forth replaced a few. Otherwise it's firstly a little overused and it secondly sounds somewhat....silly, I suppose, to my ears.

- "facility’s explosion proved. As the robot’s power source proves," use a different word to 'proves' in one of the cases. Again, to shake up the vocab.

- "and they were... ginormous." Using ginormous once is okay. Not twice, please. I don't think it's technically a word; a bit of a mash-up between gigantic and enormous. It's not the most effective of words to use: how about 'colossal'?

- "Canyons, oasis and small settlements was the only things": 'were' instead of 'was'.

- "air forced Ackar jump out of his place"; 'Ackar to jump'.

- "struct on the ground": firstly; 'struck'. Secondly: was the lightning actually striking on the ground (zipping just above it), or actually colliding with it? In the second case, change it to 'struck the ground'.

- "of controls panels light"; 'control' without the 's'.

- "He blew his on cloak over, growing his form by at least several feet." Hm; 'blew his cloak over' doesn't sound right. 'Threw his cloak over his shoulder', 'threw his cloak away', maybe? And 'growing his form' sounds like 'growing his plants'. Perhaps change it to 'growing in form'.

- ""I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN—" End-quotation marks, please.

- "particularly effected"; in this case, you use 'affected'. (Effect is noun, affect is verb form)

- "temperature at normal rates.": 'to normal rates'

- "him were he stood": 'where'.

- "he opt to leapt for the comm button": 'leap' instead of 'leapt'.

- "anything in it's way.": 'its' again.

- ", as further away as he" 'far' instead of 'further'.

- "energy push was thrusted": 'ed' not required. 'Thrust' is both present and past form.

- "Lighting begun to strike on the world": 'lightning', 'began' and again 'on' not required.




Very well written, though I'm a little iffy about that scene where Ackar and Osavus talk to Protasious for a second time. Would Ackar really do that? Double check when he already knows what answers he will find? Especially because the second time, most of the information is being repeated. Try to incorporate subjects in both into one discussion, rather than into two. I know this is not the best time to mention this, but keep it in mind for later series. Repeated scenarios stretch the story on for too long and make it lose its tempo.

7TGC - Chapter 8 Empty Re: TGC - Chapter 8 19th April 2012, 12:20 pm

Riglax

Riglax

MNI CEO

MNI CEO

There we go, all edited and ready to go:


Spoiler:

A changed a lot of iffy bits and pieces of this chapter, but also added an explanation on Ackar's weird decision to speak with Protasious. Imagine if your gods would suddenly become mortal into your eyes, leading up a hatred you've never experienced. Not only does he feel panicked and powerless, but he also tries to prove to himself he's better than Protasious by repeatedly trying to break things out of him.

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